But where shall we find orators in an Assembly of women?
PRAXAGORA
Nothing ******r. Is it not said that the cleverest speakers are those who get made love to most often? Well, thanks to the gods, we are that by nature.
FIRST WOMAN
There's no doubt of that; but the worst of it is our inexperience.
PRAXAGORA
That's the very reason we are gathered here, in order to prepare the speech we must make in the Assembly. Hasten, therefore, all you who know aught of speaking, to fix on your beards.
SECOND WOMAN
Oh you stupid thing! is there ever a one among us cannot use her tongue?
PRAXAGORA
Come, look sharp, on with your beard and become a man. As for me, I will do the same in case I should have a fancy for getting on to the platform. Here are the chaplets.
(They all put on their beards.)
SECOND WOMAN
Oh! great gods! my dear Praxagora, do look here! Is it not laughable?
PRAXAGORA
How laughable?
SECOND WOMAN
Our beards look like broiled cuttle-fishes.
PRAXAGORA (pretending to be the herald)
Priest, bring in the cat. Step forward, please Silence, Ariphrades! Come and take your seat. Now, who wishes to speak?
SECOND WOMAN
I do.
PRAXAGORA
Then put on this chaplet and success be with you.
SECOND WOMAN
There!
PRAXAGORA
Well then I begin.
SECOND WOMAN
Before drinking?
PRAXAGORA
Hah! she wants to drink!
SECOND WOMAN
Why, what else is the meaning of this chaplet?
PRAXAGORA
Get you hence! you would probably have played us this trick also before the people.
SECOND WOMAN
Well! don't the men drink then in the Assembly?
PRAXAGORA
Now she's telling us the men drink!
SECOND WOMAN
Yes, by Artemis, and neat wine too. That's why their decrees breathe of drunkenness and madness. And why libations, why so many ceremonies, if wine plays no part in them? Besides, they abuse each other like drunken men, and you can see the archers dragging more than one uproarious drunkard out of the market-place.
PRAXAGORA
Go back to your seat, you are wandering.
SECOND WOMAN (returning to her seat)
Ah! I should have done better not to have muffled myself in this beard; my throat's afire and I feel I shall die of thirst.
PRAXAGORA
Who else wishes to speak?
FIRST WOMAN (rising)
I do.
PRAXAGORA
Quick then, take the chaplet; the time's running short. Try to speak worthily, let your language be truly manly, and lean on your staff with dignity.
FIRST WOMAN
I had rather have seen one of your regular orators giving you wise advice; but, as that is not to be, it behoves me to break silence; Icannot, for my part indeed, allow the tavern-keepers to fill up their wine-pits with water. No, by the two goddesses...
PRAXAGORA
What? by the two goddesses! Wretched woman, where are your senses?
FIRST WOMAN
Eh! what?... I have not asked you for a drink.
PRAXAGORA
No, but you want to pass for a man, and you swear by the two goddesses. Otherwise you did very well.
FIRST WOMAN
Well then. By Apollo...
PRAXAGORA
Stop! All these details of language must be adjusted; else it is quite useless to go to the Assembly.
FIRST WOMAN
Give me back the chaplet; I wish to speak again, for I think Ihave got hold of something good. You women who are listening to me...
PRAXAGORA
Women again; why, you wretched creature, it's men that you are addressing.
FIRST WOMAN
That's the fault of Epigonus; I caught sight of him way over there, and I thought I was speaking to women.
PRAXAGORA
Come, withdraw and remain seated in the future. I am going to take this chaplet myself and speak in your name. May the gods grant success to my plans! My country is as dear to me as it is to you, and I groan, I am grieved at all that is happening in it. Scarcely one in ten of those who rule it is honest, and all the others are bad. If you appoint fresh chiefs, they will do still worse. It is hard to correct your peevish humour; you fear those who love you and throw yourselves at the feet of those who betray you. There was a time when we had no assemblies, and then we all thought Agyrrhius a dishonest man; now they are established, he who gets money thinks everything is as it should be, and he who does not, declares all who sell their votes to be worthy of death.
SECOND WOMAN
By Aphrodite, that is well spoken.
PRAXAGORA
Why, wretched woman, you have actually called upon Aphrodite.
Oh! what a fine thing it would have been if you had said that in the Assembly!
SECOND WOMAN
But I would not have done it then.
PRAXAGORA
Well, mind you don't fall into the habit. (Resuming the oratorical manner) When we were discussing the alliance, it seemed as though it were all over with Athens if it fell through. No sooner was it made than we were vexed and angry, and the orator who had caused its adoption was compelled to seek safety in flight. Is there talk of equipping a fleet? The poor man says, yes, but the rich citizen and the countryman say, no. You were angered against the Corinthians and they with you; now they are well disposed towards you, be so towards them. As a rule the Argives are dull, but the Argive Hieronymus is a distinguished chief. Herein lies a spark of hope; but Thrasybulus is far from Athens and you do not recall him.
SECOND WOMAN
Oh! what a brilliant man!
PRAXAGORA (to her)
That's better! that's fitting applause. (Continuing her speech)Citizens, you are the ones who are the cause of all this trouble.
You vote yourselves salaries out of the public funds and care only for your own personal interests; hence the state limps along like Aesimus.
But if you hearken to me, you will be saved. I assert that the direction of affairs must be handed over to the women, for they are the ones who have charge and look after our households.
ALL THE WOMEN
Very good, very good, that's perfect! Go on, go on.
PRAXAGORA (ignoring this interruption)
