I was meeting John’s mother for the first time this afternoon and he was fervently coaching me on how to make a good impression. “While she’s talking, offer to cut her a piece of fruit from the basket. Cut the fruit in front of her so she can see how well you cut. Get an apple and make sure you peel the skin really thin so that she knows you don’t waste food. And make sure you cut it in even slices and lay it down facing the same direction so she knows you can present food in an appetizing manner...” John continued to lecture as I stared blankly out the window.
I had just started dating John, a Korean international student who had been in the States for about 3 years now. I was born in Korea, but I moved to the United States when I was 5 years old. I know how to speak, read, and write Korean and I thought I had learned enough from my family and watched enough TV programmes to know about Korean customs. I guess I was wrong.You see, John and I had our differences. He didn’t speak perfect English, but I figured it was okay because I didn’t speak perfect Korean either.
But little problems between our differing cultures surfaced as we continued to date. When we went out to eat, I noticed he’d have trouble reading the menus. When he registered for a class, he scheduled it with my free time so that he had someone to talk for him, like a translator. I accepted the fact that he couldn’t speak perfect English, but what was really frustrating was that he wasn’t willing to try. It may have been his male pride, but I think he was more embarrassed about the puzzled looks people would give him when he talked.
There would be times when he wouldn’t talk single word for hours. It was hard for him to blend in with my Asian-American friends. Once, I and my friends were reminiscing about the 80’s, things like Michael Jackson, Madonna, teased hair and those awful UMEN cardigans. But while we were laughing away, talking about old times, John just sat there uncomfortably with half a grin on his face. I tried to include him in on our conversations by explaining what we were talking about, but by the look on his face I could tell I wasn’t very successful.
One night John came over to my house to pick me up for dinner. My brother’s friend Chris was over and they were talking in the living room. Chris said to my brother jokingly, “Man... You’re so bad...” John overheard and replied in his most perfect English, trying to be protective of my brother, “No, he isn’t bad, he’s actually a good boy. And he is definitely not a playboy.” My brother and Chris stared at John in disbelief. Chris was so shocked that he apologized to my brother for offending him. As for John, I knew he felt proud for sticking up for my brother. I know he meant well, but he just didn’t understand the language.
There were little things that I eventually became accustomed to. For instance, John and I always had to watch TV with the caption turned on and I had to be careful not to use any slang that he wasn’t familiar with. I had to speak slower. I always had to explain why we did certain things here, versus how they did them in Korea. I had to constantly recap the stories of the movies we just saw. But the toughest obstacle was trying to describe our feelings or thoughts to each other, trying to learn about our different worlds with our limited vocabularies.
Don’t get me wrong. I had a great time learning and experiencing new things with him. We were exposed to different worlds and we taught each other how to cope, accept, and learn in different perspectives. In fact, many couples I know have had successful intercultural relationships. But my relationship made me realize how little cultural differences can make a big difference.
I found that I had a lot more to learn and get accustomed to than I expected. I suppose a successful intercultural relationship depends on how accepting one is to the other’s differences and how well a person can adapt to new ideas, thoughts, and lifestyles. Anyway, these relationships can be challenging. As you may have guessed, I’m not with John any more. Meeting his Mom went fine, but I have a feeling I cut the apple skin too thick.
约翰一边开着车，一边指了指车后座上包好的果篮说：“你要对她说，这是特地为她买的。”“你一定要记住，进门时向她鞠躬。要把手放在额头上，用韩国传统的全鞠躬方式，而不是半鞠躬。”我产生了一种不自在的感觉，在座椅上移动了一下身体。“然后，她可能会问你的家族情况、你所读的学校、你以后的目标……”
今天下午，我第一次去拜访约翰的母亲，为了让我给他的母亲留下一个好印象，他正在热心地教我怎么做。“当她说话的时候，你主动从果篮里拿一个苹果削给她吃。为了能够让她看见你削苹果的水平，你要在她的面前削。从果篮中拿出一个苹果，并且一定要把皮削得很薄，这样她就会知道你不浪费粮食。然后，你一定要把苹果切成厚薄均匀的片，并且要顺着同一个方向放在盘中，这样她就会知道你是一个注重食物美观的人。”我漠然地看着窗外，约翰继续念叨。
约翰是一个韩国留学生，他来美国三年了，我与他才刚刚开始约会。我在韩国出生，然而五岁时就移民到了美国。我会说、读、写韩语，对于韩国文化，我自认为通过家庭的熏陶和看电视节目，已经了解了足够多的东西。不过，看到我与约翰之间的差异，我觉得自己错了。约翰的英语说得不是很熟练，但是我认为还算可以，因为我的韩语说得也不地道。
但是，随着我们约会的次数越来越多，我们之间逐渐暴露出了一些因文化差异而产生的小问题。我们一块儿出去吃饭的时候，我发现他很难看懂菜单。为了在上课的时候我能像翻译一样帮他讲解，他注册的课程还专门与我的上课时间错开来。我愿意接受他英语不好的事实，然而，他根本不愿意尝试着去说，这才是最让我感到失望的。这或许是男人的自尊心在作怪，不过，我认为，他是害怕自己跟别人讲话时，看到别人困惑的样子。
有时候，他好几个小时一句话也不愿意说，他很难与我的亚裔朋友相处。一次，我和朋友们回忆起20世纪80年代的岁月，比如迈克尔?杰克逊、麦当娜，奇异的发型和那些不好看的优盟牌开襟羊毛衫。然而，当我们放声大笑、追忆往昔时，约翰一脸似笑非笑的样子，不自在地坐在那里。我向他解释我们谈话的内容，努力让他加入我们，然而，从他脸上的表情可以看出，我并不成功。
一天晚上，约翰到我家接我一起去吃晚餐。我哥哥的朋友克里斯也过来了，他们正在客厅里聊天。克里斯跟我哥哥开玩笑地说：“你这个家伙……你真是太龌龊了……”
约翰无意中听到了，他试图为我哥哥辩解，便用他说得最好的英语句子解释道：“不，他一点儿都不龌龊，事实上他是个好男孩，一定不是个轻浮的男孩。”我哥哥和克里斯都盯着约翰看，他们简直不敢相信自己的耳朵。克里斯被吓了一跳，赶忙为刚才那个玩笑向我哥哥道歉。我知道，约翰一定为维护了我哥哥的尊严而感到自豪。我知道他是出于好意，然而，他就是语言不通。
对于生活上的一些小事情，我终于习惯了。比如，我与约翰看电视的时候总是得打开字幕，我讲话的时候尽量避免使用他不会的俚语，我要放慢语速；我总是要向他解释，为什么和韩国不一样，在这里要这样做事情；我还要不断地把刚刚看过的电影的故事情节讲给他听。然而，相互交流彼此的感情和想法才是我们之间最大的障碍，我们只能用有限的词汇了解彼此不同的世界。
不要误解我的意思，与他一起学习和体验新事物的那段日子，我觉得非常快乐。我们接触到了不同的世界，我们教会彼此如何从不同的角度处理、接受和学习事物。事实上，很多跨文化婚姻中的夫妇生活得都很幸福。然而，我们的爱情让我意识到，即使很细微的文化差异，也会让我们产生很大的分歧。
